Sabo-chan! (cactuar_tamer) wrote in cipher_poll_10,

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Ok, guys... Sorry it has been forever and a day since my last review...[I started this a while back, but I didn't get time to finish...]I was busy getting home from Japan, getting my car fixed, and now moving back up to my dorm...I'll take some time to update now. (This was guest-snarked as well, by my good friend kesenai_kaitou , because we had time to kill on the airplane. Her comments are in; I can't add them all, because a lot of them are based directly off of text that I really don't want to quote...)

On the menu today,

Arlong/Nami Fluffy Fic!

j/k, j/k... That's just what I thought when I saw the title, but believe me, this is probably just as bad.

Crime: I'm in love with a Merman!

Perpetrator: Chibi-Ash/Chibi-Kura

Summary: Zoro finds himself falling for the younger brother of a crew member. Chapter 6 up(finally). R&R please!

Warnings: Mary Sue and Marty Sue, and they're siblings. Bad characterization, Bad grammar, Bad Dialogue; Good Lord, just bad everything.

Sabo-chan, lush that she is, started out this fic on some nice refreshing Sake. It soon became apparent, however, that she would need something a little stronger. Like tequila; Or, perhaps, whatever it is that the author was smoking.
Here we go,

Ok, first of all, I think you should all know how much it hurt me to read this fic... So here's a handy diagram, based on all the badfic I have recently consumed.

[Armor Al/Ed Lemon] < [This Fic] < [Spongebob Lemon (don't ask)]

Guys, this is horrible; I'm going to try to be as brief as I can with this one. Pleeez don't make me do all six chapters.

Chapter One, Entitled: "Epilogue 2"

Author's note reads: Warnings: Yaoi, Zoroxoc. Don't like don't read dammit. OOC, and don't flame me like crazy either! Believe me, I have feelings, I would know!

What about my feelings, huh?! What about them ?! How do you think I feel after reading this??!

If the masses deem it flameable, let them pull a Roy Mustang and bitch-snap some sense into you.

The notes then go on to describe our Sues of the Day. Rami Eeka and Tony Eeka, who are introduced as "The only and last of the Merpeople"

I have a problem with this. Sure, it makes for a tragic and angsty past if your Sues are the last of their kind, but if you have to completely disregard canon in order to do it, the payoff just isn't worth the price.

During the Arlong Park Arc of One Piece, Someone (I'm not exactly sure who, so feel free to enlighten me) is heard saying, "So, the rumor about the Mermen Pirates splitting up was true." If Arlong and Company split off from the main group in the grand line, doesn't reason tell us that there are more Merpeople around. Not to mention Hatcchan and Camie, or part of the Foxy ichimi.

And does anyone else think that the fact Rami has black hair, and wears a red tank top and jean skirt, is an odd set of coincidences? ... Yeah, me either.

[title]: Produlaoge: Rami. and Tony!!!???

I don't know how to do this without quoting the entire fic, but I'll try.

"Wake up!" Sanji screamed from the kitchen. "Breakfast is done and damn you all if it gets cold!"
Um...ouch...I guess somebody woke up on the wrong side of the hammock today.

Breakfast time on the Going Merry. Sanji is whipping up some "Dolphin Pancakes" for Rami... Which he, apparently, had to be threatened into doing.

Now, Let's just assume Rami is very attractive, because most Sues are. Do you think Sanji would need to be cajoled into doing anything for the sake of a pretty girl? No. He'd be falling over himself to make the best "Dolphin Pancakes" Rami had ever tasted.

Rami's the first one to bounce Genkily into the kitchen for Breakfast, followed by a sluggish Luffy, Zoro and Usopp. Luffy? Tiredly? For food?!

Then, it is revealed that Rami is the Going Merry's new Translator "(Manly with Fish)" *snorf* That made me think of Undersea Gay Bars....

The reason Luffy refused to let her pass up his offer, other than the usual reasons, she was the last of the Merpeople, a mix between mermaids and humans.

"mix between mermaids and humans" ... um... aren't mermaids, already a mix between fish and humans? So, what does Rami look like, then? I asked Luffy to draw me a composite. This is what he came up with:

(side comment by Kaitou)

More talking, we learn of dallfen phrend "Uncle Zap" and his girlfriend, "a Pink Dolphin named Zippy"..

Then Rami lets it slip that that she has a brother.

Wait." Zoro held up a hand to the girl. "You said you were the last of the Merpeople. You never mentioned your brother!" Rami looked confused, for a few moments, then laughed sheepishly.

"Oh, I must have never mentioned. The last of the Merpeople refers to a woman, while the only Merperson refers to a man." Rami then giggled. "I've forgetting a lot of things lately!" Zoro nearly fainted.

"So your not extinct?" Luffy asked, finally waking up. Rami got up.

"No, not actually." She started, tugging on the sleeve of her tank top. Then they heard a sound from outside.

O_o So, I guess we're being politically correct, are we? But wait...
Grammatically speaking, aren't "The last of the Merpeople" and "the only Merperson" the exact same thing?

And what's up with this "Zoro nearly fainted" This is bad enough by itself, but the line is completely out of place in this scene. Just why ? Fear not, however, there is worse to come.

The crew are drawn on deck by a sound heard outside. Sanji grabs a harpoon out of one of those harpoon barrels that Luffy likes to keep handy.

Rami screams at him, "What in good dolphins was he going to do with that!" Note that this tense is completely wrong for Rami to use addressing Sanji.

And Shards! People need to know what the frell they're doing before they try to invent convincing epithets!

Anyway, Sanji then uses a fishing pole to reel in a hairy fish, The author forgets what color Rami's hair is supposed to be, and the hairy fish turns out to be our Marty Sue, Tony.

Tony has also stolen Luffy's look, as he is sporting a red tank top and jeans just like his sister.
And fashion sense isn't the only thing these two have jacked from legitimate characters....

Robin + nAMI = Name theft.
(Tony Tony) - Tony = Name theft.

Next chapter is entitled "Tony the Gunman" Oops, let's add that to the list... Marty Sue jacked Usopp's job.

There is a note at the beginning of the chapter from the author, explaining what the language "Dolphin" sounds like...A/N: I have a feeling that I should mention what Dolphin sounds like, because I have every crew member save Rami agonizing it. Dolphin sounds just like normal dolphin screeches...only more elaborate.
Listen to the voice of the ocean, I assure you it doesn't screech.

Despite having his "look" ripped off, Luffy has come through this fic relatively unscathed compared to the other characters. In fact, compared to the portrayal of the others aboard the Going Merry Go, Luffy is given kind, even deferential treatment. This is mostly because Luffy has not been subjected to the bashing and Character Butchery that the others have.

And there is a LOT of character bashing going on...

The portrayal of Nami hurts me the most. The author writes her like some kind of lascivious and desperate woman who practically throws herself onto Rami's Brother at every available chance.

Usopp doesn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't stop the Mary Sue from verbally beating up on him too.

I am lead to believe from the one review of this fic which was written by an intelligent person, that in the original, the author had omitted Nami and Usopp altogether. I have to say that the way she has added them is worse than the omission.

Next we have Sanji and Zoro. It appears neither the Author or her Sue is greatly endeared to these two.

Rami and Sanji bicker at every available chance. Imagine it! Sanji bickering with a girl! I think that a girl could call him the most insulting name in the world, and he'd just be like, "That's nice, darling. Can I make you some potato paille?" I mean, just look at how mean Nami is to him sometimes, and he still treats her like royalty. I'm sure if the comment was hurtful enough, Sanji would be upset, but I just can't imagine him speaking to a woman with malice.

Kaitou and I have concluded due to the nature of the Rami/Sanji Relationship that Rami must be ugly after all. And we're talking pre-sube-sube Alvida Ugly.

And Zoro....The stuff Mary Sue puts him through is outrageous. IC!Zoro, I don't think would take that kind of treatment from anyone. Here's a choice tidbit...

Zoro was still shaking his head.

"There is no way in hell that I'm going to do it." Rami then reached over the bed and grabbed Zoro by the collar of his shirt. For a Mergirl, she was pretty strong. She pulled Zoro so close their noses were touching.

"LISTEN, YOU," she growled menacingly "you can either A, rub this on Tony's chest, or B. I'll shove this so far up your...behind it'll end up at the north pole. You don't want that to happen, do you?" Zoro growled at her, then she made a snap at his nose. Zoro pulled away and took the pink bottle.

"So Tony, let's make you feel better." Zoro said, popping the top off the pink jar.

Yeah, you read that right. Straight out of a cheap middle school drama, with the snap and everything.

*snap* You feelin' me, Gayrlfreynd? Oh, it's already been broughten!

This inane and juvenile dialogue is typical no matter what scene it occurs in; and of course, one by one, Each one of the cast yields to Sue's Power.

So, after Rami bullies Zoro into rubbing Vic's onto Tony's chest, everybody else leaves the room to look for shrimp under deck (don't ask me why), And Zoro and Tony are left alone.

We learn of how Tony the Gunman used to be Tony the swordsman, but gave up his sword because it was "too deadly" (and guns aren't?)...

Nevermind the fact that I don't know how guns would work underwater, with... you know, all that water around to get in the way of the gunpowder. But hey! This is badfic, and the laws of physics need not apply.

We also learn how Zoro was the name of a fabled knight in Tony's kingdom.

And how Tony is, apparently a prince of said kingdom.

Zoro asks to see Tony's sword, and Tony teleports to his Bag of holding to get it. The chapter ends on this endearing scene:

'There it is. Deadly accurate, killed about 300 men in it's last generation, which was my dad." Zoro pulled the sword out. It didn't look too different from a normal sword, but it was longer, and had something inscribed in it with weird letters, which he took to be Dolphin.

"So this is it?" Tony nodded, climbing back under the covers.

"Yea, not much is it? I'll give a demonstration tomorrow, if you remind me. I can kill a flying bird with it." Tony turned to Zoro. "I have a question for you."

"I'll try to answer to the best of my ability," Zoro started, setting Tony's sword down. "so don't expect a perfect response." He finished, making Tony laugh.

"How do you plain humans swim with two separate legs?" He asked, poking the space between his legs through the purple sheets.

"Well, we kick." Zoro gave his most basic answer.

"That sounds like a lot of work. Thanks for the answer." Tony said, yawning. "I'm tired, but you know what, I haven't got your name."


"Zoro, that's a nice name. Zoro was a fabled knight in my kingdom." Tony started, falling into sleep slowly. "I always wished I could meet him, maybe now I'll get the chance." Tony fell asleep.

Zoro blushed, thinking about what Tony just said. For the next hour, Zoro just sat watching Tony sleep, thinking about what the boy had said and what he was going to do tomorrow.

This is followed by a note from the author about apparent changes to her fic.

A/N: Yes, that was my revised Chapter 2. There were only a few changes, maybe to the point you don't notice them, but none the less, it's revised. I didn't like the first one. I wrote that during my less knowledge of Fanfiction. And writing for that matter. But "Every expert was once a beginner"

Oooohhh, So this must be during her "more knowledge of writing."
Your English teacher; I weep for that person.

The annoying fish-lingo has continued all the while, with such gems as "Pardon my shark," and "I'd rather be with a man with all 13 of his male scales cut off"

The dialogue, the dialogue!! Ah... I'm going to wrap this up now... I can barely hear my music over the death screams of my brain cells...

Before I go, let's get into the blooming love between Zoro and Tony.

Many of the problems here are some of the same problems which seem to occur nearly across the board in badfic. Which is to say, the author makes no attempt whatsoever to understand the character or opposite sex, and instead (A) Writes them to conform to broad and Shallow gender stereotypes, or (B) Writes them as if they were the author herself.

Note to all female teenage writers of romance fic:
Men and Women are different from each other. You need to remember this whether you are writing a yaoi fic, or a het fic. Not only do men and women have different parts, but their thoughts generally occur in a different context from each other, too. There are exceptions to every rule, but please keep in mind the personality of the character you are writing for. Men do not generally express or experience emotions in the same context as women. Nor do they react to the same situations in the same way. Thus, it is generally a bad idea to base your characterization off of "now, what would I do in that situation?" A sign of a good writer is a writer who can understand her characters.

And so, at the end of chapter three, Zoro winds up on his own near the railing, staring out to sea, brooding and wondering if he is "falling for" Tony.

Maybe I didn't do such a good job with this fic, but honestly there were so many things wrong with it, I didn't know how to go about this review... If you doubt my assessment, just read a couple chapters for youself, and share my pain.

So stick a fork in me, I'm done with this fic. I could barely stomach three chapters, let alone six.

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