Sabo-chan! (cactuar_tamer) wrote in cipher_poll_10,

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Driving Me to Drink....

My debut Badfic Debunking... I wanted to find some badfic, so I headed down to the Pit o' Voles... It took me a bit longer than I thought to find what I was looking for.

This actually didn't look to bad at first glance, even though it was obvioulsy a Sue. But that was just because I hadn't read it yet.

Witness the horror---

Crime:. Between Champagne and Rum


Summary:Isle De Luna, Moon Island. Where the Rich come to relax and the poor come to beg. it is here that Roronoa Zoro discovers that love knows no boundries and that love at frist sight is real. ( a bit of ooc-Zoro; ZoroXnewcharatcer)(( COMPLETED!))

Warnings: A Sue with a tragic past, a hair fixation, and three children falls in love with Zoro. OOC-ness, Odd POV

As I said before, this seemed pretty innocuous at first glance... but once I actually sat down and read it, I knew I had my work cut out for me. I had to pull out my ten color highlighter set for this one...

How to list the problems with this fic? I'll try...

Verb Tenses and Sentence Structure
The author was evidently trying to tell a story as it happens. A reasonable goal, but she chose a very bad tense to use. Practically the entire story is told in "first person present tense" which is to say, events unfold in the following type of formula. "she does something. She does something else. She goes outside. She walks." Although I generally made it a policy when I was growing up to never pay attention in grammar class, my fluffbunny sense tells me that reusing the same sentence structure for practically every sentence in a paragraph is a literary no-no.

Plus, the entire story is writen in huge-ass paragraph chunks. Not fun to read.

The first chapter kicks off with the requisite badfic Mugiwara Kaizokudan Roll Call.

Luffy was sitting on the sheep's-head bow of the ship, Nami was reading a newspaper, Sanji was fawning over her, Usopp was telling yet another wild tale of " The Daring Captain Usopp" and Tony Tony Chopper was being gullible and believing each of Usopp's yarns.

Followed by the arrival at a new island, named, "Isle De Luna".

Things are looking reasonably OK so far, But believe me, it gets worse.

The author's not at the end of the the chapter reads:N/B/A: Im sorry that this chapter is so short...i will try and make longer chapters
Please, That's not really necessary. Don't strain yourself.

In the next chapter, after an attempt at an irish accent, we are introduced to our Sue, Jennifer RoseMoon; and while I'm getting 60's Flowergirl vibes from that name, it could be worse.

The story then proceeds to describe our [Requisitely Wealth, Gorgeous, and Tragic] Sue.

She sits up, rubbing herGorgeous large saffire blue eyes. The sun shining on her Gorgeous creamy peach skin and her Expensiveenglish nightgown that is embroidered in Gorgeous blue roses. She stands up and walks over to the Expensivevanity. She sits down and takes a wooden box out of the drawer. She opens it and takes out a Expensivesilver brush, as the maid fixes her bed. Jennifer looks at her reflection in theExpensive mirror withGorgeous sleepy eyes. HerGorgeous long honey-brown hair in a mess. She then gently brushes out herGorgeous hair. After getting the big tangles out, She takes out a Expensive silver comb and gets the small ones. When herGorgeous hair is finally tidy and looks presentable. She walks into her bath, washes herGorgeous face and brushes her teeth. She then goes to her closet and picks out a simple white sundress and white dress shoes to match. She pulls herGorgeous hair back into a ponytail and wraps an Gorgeous off-white ribbown around the base of it.

If that hair play-by-play isn't annoying you now, just wait.

Sue goes to talk to her sister, who informs her that she needs to find a husband "tonight" so she'll be betrothed in time for the "moonlight masked ball". It is here we learn that 18 year old Jennifer, whose husband was Tragically killed in a war, Is the proud mother of a 1 year old son and a set of "ferternal twins". It is also revealed that she has been under the jurisdiction of her EvilStepSisters since their parents Tragically died when she was six. Sue argues with sister, Slams door in sister's face, and walks to her balcony just in time to see a ship with "tangerine" trees pulling into the harbor.

Note the incorrect use of "tangerine" to stand for Nami's Mikan.

In chapter three our Sue has slipped out of her house to go to town, at the same time the crew of the Going Merry goes into town for supplies.

After our Virtuous!Sue Gives a poor peasant boy an apple, the destined meeting takes place as she bumps into Zoro.

SensitivePoetic!Zoro rears his head for the first time in this fic as we are treated to Zoro's internal dialogue on the matter.

Zoro looks at the girl who had just bumped in him. He was about to say something but she had already walked on. He stared at her fading image. Long honey brown hair, and creamy peach skin, with three facial markings on her face near her eyes and on her forehead. She had a delicate frame and glided when she walked. In Zoro's opinion, one of the most beautiful girls he has ever seen. He smiles and sighs.

Surprisingly, Zoro's inner poet describes our Sue in the *exact* same way she describes herself.
I'm sorry, but if I bump into somebody on the street, no matter how attractive they are, my first impression does not include anything remotely similar to noting their "smooth ivory skin and fine flaxen hair", and I'm willing to bet I'm a good ten times as poetic as Zoro is.

Secondly, what's with the smiling and sighing. I never really figured Zoro for that type. Sure, I've seen him smile before, but not the kind of smile I think the author is going for... Generally, if Zoro is smiling, it's a good Idea to run.

We end chapter three upon discovering an old acquaintance has come to our island:

He starts to walk towards the GOING MERRY when a particular boat caught his eye. It was sort of gothic with its coffin like shape, burning green candles and red sail. He then reconized the ship. HE was here. The man whom he had to defeat in order to become the words strongest swordsman. Juraquille Mihawk. He walks to the boat and sees an Invitation. He picks it up and reds it. He writes down everything and then places everything back where he found it. The zigzag scar on his forhead large scar across his chest pulsating a bit. Zoro was finally ready to face Voldemort Mihawk again.

Onto Chapter Four.

Author's Note:N/B/A: I dun own One Piece yet again. and i will say this now, Im gonna make jenn a bit more interesting, i have never seen a one piece episode, i only seen AMVs and clips. My only reference is the AMVs, clips,fanfics, and character evaluations. i dont own a one piece thing outside of my computer b/c i am broke and in need of a job. I wanna get Shonen Jump and Animerica, but i have to figure out how to order it and get the money for it

This explains alot. Our moral of the day, children is this:
It's a good Idea to actually *read* a manga or *watch* an anime before you attempt to write fic about it.

so if i go a lil overboard on the OCC-ness. I SOWWY!

SOWWY ain't good enough.

In this chapter, right off the bat, we are treated to more of Jenny's beauty routine:

She goes into her room and places her bags down on her bed and then goes into her bath. It was Roman styled with a suken in marble bath. She takes off her clothing and shoes. She wraps a robe around her and then lets down her ponytail. Letting her long honey brown hair cascade down her back. She brushes it out and then runs her bath, testing the temperture and then placing a few drops of Rose Oil in the water. The Rose Oil has become a bit of a habit for her, her mother loved Roses and believed that if a young girl was bathed in Rose Oil, the girl would grow up to be beautiful. Her and her sisters were bathed this was as children and they have been bathing in rose oil ever since. She gets into the water and goes through her normal bathing routine.

Note what must be our third or fourth specific reference to "honey brown hair".

Next we see SubtleApproach!Zoro trying to arrange his meeting with Mihawk, who is attending the moonlight masked ball. He decides to find a way to sneak into the ball. I feel that slicing open the wall and demanding to see Mihawk would be more Zoro's style, but this is Subtle!Zoro, who revels in scheming.

Jenny get's dressed for the ball, and brushes out her hair yet again.

Following that, we are shown the depth of Subtle!Zoro's Genius:

Zoro was stationed in a tree outside of where the ball room entrance was.Keeping a weather eye out for Mihawk. he has his bandana on his head for a mask and his swords at his side. watching everyone get out of carriages and off of horses. He waits and waits and waits untill finally he spied the attire of Juraquille Mihawk. Smiling coquettishlydevilishly, Zoro jumps down from the tree and sneaks behind a large carriage. Seeing about 2 men and 3 women exit it, He joins the bunch and usues that old trick to get inside. Two marines were posted at the door 'oh shit,i thought that there were no marines on this island!' he says in his mind as one man hands in the invites and they walk inside, Zoro follows but is stops by another marine " sir, there are no weapons allowed in the ballroom...we'll have to take those and you'll get em back when ya leave.." Zoro inwardly sighs in relief that he wasnt caught. ' i'll just have to bring Mihawk to the fight' He says as he hands his swords over, but not really happy about leaving his swords here. He had to keep cool and not get kicked out. He had to challenge Mihawk. no matter what he has to do. Zoro walks inside and down one of the double stairways.

"not really happy"? I don't really remember any very many occasions when I've seen zoro without his swords, barring them being broken or a groundbreaking event, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

And since when does Zoro worry about making a scene or allow something as paltry as a few hundred Marines get in his way?

Zoro meets Mihawk, they arrange a duel the next day at noon in the morning, at the O-K Corral Vineyard.

Mihawk, seems to have forgotten Zoro's name, as he refers to him as things like "young swordsman" for the duration of their meeting. Now, Why does that bother me? Oh, yeah... it's that annoying canon.

Mihawk: {What strong resolution...!!! He will take death over defeat.}
Boy... tell me your name.


Mihawk: I will remember it. I have not seen such a strong one in ages. And with the courtesy of a swordsman, I will take this black blade, the strongest in the world, and sink you.

Mihawk seems like the person who doesn't say things lightly.

After that, IC!Zoro decides to hit up the Bar, where he runs into our Sue, and we are privy to some tantalizing dialouge, wherein we learn that our Sue likes "to get drunk off her ass", and that "Zoro", is amazingly enough, Zoro's Last name. (First name Roronoa).

Somebody needs Japanese 101.

Zoro gets tired of all the stares. Tough luck, Zoro, Should've thought of that before you entered a *Formal Masquerade Ball* With no mask on, wearing your usual "casual" motif.

Our Sue then suggests that they go somewhere "a little more private" PleaseNoLemon, PleaseNoLemon, PleaseNoLemon

Yes! No Lemon!

Zoro and Sue talk, fall in love. Zoro says he must go, and Sue asks If he will come back. Zoro replies "maybe..Pirate ships dont stay in a particular place for long..."

End Chapter Four.

Wait, Wait, Hold Up!
I want to pause the review to ask a question that's been bugging me for a while now.

Timeline, Timeline, Timeline! When the hell is this story taking place...?

Mihawk says it's been three years since they've last met. OK. Our heroes are obviously on the Grand Line. Chopper is there, so they've already been to Drum. But wait, where's Vivi? Sooo.... if they have Chopper but no Vivi, this must be after the Alabaster Arc. And now I want to know where the hell Robin is.

In summary, I conclude that this fic is taking place between Vivi's farewell speech, and Robin's entrance into the crew. Note, that she must be, of course, already on the ship, as she reveals that to us when she joins.

Chapter five Starts with another cutesy Sowwy from the author, before Zoro returns to claim his [horribly misspelled] Swords.

The author tries to have an in-character moment via some Zoro/Sanji bickering. However, FirstGrade!Sanji can't seem to think of anything better to say than. "has our lil Zoro discovered girls?"

Zoro then knocks Sanji out cold with one punch. I would like to take a moment to register my reaction to this turn of events.

Ahem.WTF?! I don't care if it is Zoro. Sanji out with one punch? There's no way in hell that could happen. The only time I've ever seen him out with one shot was during the Skypiea Arc, and I'd register a couple thousand volts a little higher on the damage scale than a punch, even one from Zoro.

Zoro runs off to Sue. Sue's all like, "you never said you were a pirate!" Um...yeah, yeah he did, that's how you found out, remember?... Anywho, Zoro tells Sue that he has to fulfill a promise to an old friend, but that he's going to come back, and then climbs down the rose vines* off of the balcony, and rushes off to the OK Corrall.

*Um. Yeah. You read that right. Rose Vines. And let's just forget momentarily, that it would be impossible for those to grow up a wall without a trellis, like the author has them. Let's just focus on the fact that she chose to use *rose* vines. Sure, roses are Romantic and all, but do you know what the test weight of Rose vines is? Niether do I. Or for that matter anyone else. Probably because nobody has been stupid enough to try to climb thorny vines before.

Anyway, so Zoro goes to the OK Corrall...There, he meets Mihawk, who still can't remember Zoro's name. After a bit of an initial scuffle, Zoro PWNS Mihawk. And Mihawk, who has evidently had his happy pills that morning, throws up his hands and says, "OK, You got me. You Win. You are now the Greatest Swordsman!" and rides off into the sunset. Zoro rejoices, Kuina turns over in her Grave, and somewhere in the bowels of the Going Merry sits a very lonely, very bored Nico Robin.

Afterwards, Zoro heads back to the ship to freshen up for his Rendezvous of Love by changing into his Skypiea Shirt. Nevermind what implications this has for the timeline, I think I've lost that battle.

Zoro heads off again, and Sanji jeers that he's going to see his giiiirrrllllfrieend [Zoro and Sue sitting in a tree..... To which Zoro replies, " Yeah, I am, But at least i can get a Girlfriend and NOT waste hours of my life trying to woo a girl when she was only taking advantage of me and never realizing that she will never love me!" Ooooooooh! Buuurrrnn!! ... This comment, of course, leaves FirstGrade!Sanji fuming and speechless.

At this Point, your Genial Host Sabo-chan begins to tire of this fic, and shall try to keep the rest of the review as brief as possible.

Chapter Five ends after Zoro reunites with his wuvykins, and finds out that he's going to be a [step]Daddy. Amazingly, Zoro has bountiful Paternal instinct. I'm surprised, I kinda had him pegged as more of a McKay
For simplicity, and to spare my readers, Sue's children shall be referred to as A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko.

Chapter Six
I don't think I'm gonna make it...

Zoro goes back to the GM, Everyone sans Luffy freaks out about having infants aboard a pirate ship.

Sue's Sister goes Evil on her, and forbids thier love. Zoro arrives, and for some reason never quite understood, takes A-ko back to the ship with him. When Zoro arives with A-ko in tow, IC!Nami attempts to be the voice of reason, but is instantly disarmed and transformed into Maternal!Nami by A-ko's CHIBI CHIBI no mi noryoku.

However Maternal!Nami is not quite maternal enough for Zoro, who doesn't feel quite safe leaving a one-year old child with her. So, instead, he opts to leave the kid in the responsible care of Luffy. And then Child services carted him off for reckless endangerment. Seriously. I wouln't trust Luffy to take care of my potted plants, and this author think's he's competent enough to mind a one year old child. There's just no understanding some FanGirls.

So, assured that A-ko is in good hands, Zoro runs off to meet Sue. Shakespeare is Quoted, the "mood" deepens. PleaseNoLemon, PleaseNoLemon, PleaseNoLemon. No!!!!

As to the lemon, I admit, as badfic goes, this isn't so bad...I've read much worse, but I have also Read much, much better.

Well, anyways, they boink, and go to sleep, after taking care to put their clothes back on.
Sabo-chan would like to note, that after boinking, she has never really felt inclined to put her clothes back on, or for that matter do much of anything...

Chapter Seven...
Only one more after this...

Sue's sister walks into her room via the *unlocked* door, about to apologize. Then she sees the happy couple, surmises they've been boinking, and goes Evil agin. She then uses the dreaded three-name-call; "JENNIFER LARINA ROSEMOON". Zoro gets up, puts his shirt on, and quietly leaves the room, Leaving Sue alone with her Sister, who then proceeds to Bitch-slap her a couple times while reaming her.

Pansy!Mugiwara-Kaizokudan notice all the marines and fret about what they will do. Apparently Zoro's newly acquired Fear of the Marines was contagious.

Sue escapes to the ship with Zoro and Luffy.

Luffy, who is obviously having one of his off-days, decides that it's not a bad Idea at all to have 3 small children aboard a Pirate vessel, and inducts Jenny as the new ship's Musician.

Usopp introduces himself as the Captain; Luffy, who has obviously had it with just laughing that off, slugs him.

Zoro Proposes. Sue Accepts. Luffy preforms the Ceremony.

Luffy then plays tag with Sue's children, who are amazingly coordinated for all of them being under the age of one.

And Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, because I've never seen a schematic for the Going Merry, but Zoro and Sue seem to have skeefed Nami's room, from what I can tell of the author's description. So, I guess Nami's in hammocks with the boys now... Shockingly, she doesn't seem too upset about this.

Nami is just "glad to have another girl aboard". I'm sure she is, what with Vivi gone home, and Robin wasting away below deck.

Chapter Eight

Zoro and Sue have a brief talk. The gist of it is...

Sue: I have another bun in the oven.
Zoro: O_O WTF!!?

And the author bids us to read the sequel.

And with that, Sabo-chan is off to Drown her troubles in Sake.

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