Sabo-chan! (cactuar_tamer) wrote in cipher_poll_10,

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Luffy: Eien no Uke

I have returned, a miraculous twenty or so days after the last review. I am determined to make time for this community now. ^_^

Beware, for it looks like the women of the OP-Verse have fallen victim to a sick fanboy's Imperius Curse.

Crime:The Luck of Luffy
Perpetrator: dingchavez1984
Summary:How lucky can one boy be? Luffy seems to be testing that theory out. Luffy Nami Nojiko Vivi Alvida
Warnings:Characters are OOC far beyond redemption; dialogue which was no doubt written by actual voles, the fact that Luffy is paired with only women in this fic and he still manages to be the Uke, and did I mention OOC-ness?

I went looking for some Vivi/Kohza fic, and while I didn't find anything other than *that* Vivi/Kohza fic (you know the one I'm talking about); I did find this travesty, and I've properly sporked it and served it up for your enjoyment.

Chapters 1-2: Wherein The [female] Crew of the Going Merry fall under the control of dark magic, ALA Bible Black.

Despite a summary which struck fear into the very core of my being, the fic starts out innocently enough, without even a split-personality conference on the part of the author. Only a fairly innocent disclaimer heralds the beginning of this nightmare.

We open on a fairly angsty note, as a storm is brewing , and "the very heavens ask for blood" In the middle of this bloodthirsty mantle of mother nature, Luffy is standing on the prow, enjoying himself immensely, a scene which is described with a narrative style which already annoys the hell out of me. Nami appears presently to yell at Luffy that he's going to fall overboard, and we get more of that lovely narrative.

Turning his head, the youth looks into the eyes of a young woman, she radiates warmth, the very look in her eyes conveys all the emotion needed. “Nami, come sit outside, it’s just getting good.”

Uhhh... I don't want anyone's viewpoint except Sanji's gushing prose about a woman, and then only if it is done well and used SPARINGLY. Also note that the author will continue in this vein of referring to the characters with descriptive titles like 'youth' 'young girl' 'the captain', with such frequency that it becomes terribly redundant no matter how many new phrases are dredged up.

Nami squishes Luffy's dreams of a Romantic night under a hurricane sky when Nami yells at him that she doesn't want to get swept overboard by a "tsunami wave". I have a few points to make about this, and I'm probably being far too nit-picky about both of them.

-->First, "Tsunami wave" is redundant. A tsunami is already a type of wave. It is in fact a compound word that means "harbor wave".

-->Second. Remember the first point? that part about "harbor wave"? Tsunami, by definition, do NOT wreak havoc on the open sea. They Originate in the open sea, but are barely perceptible until they move into shallow waters.

Moving onward, the next line of 'Dialogue,' and I use that word very loosely, is unfortunately, and very painfully characteristic of any and all verbal messages in this fic.

Watching as the girl walks toward the cabin doors, Luffy goes into a sort of trance like state, ‘Nami has gotten more pretty…hmmm….she needs more meat…mmmmm….meat…I wonder if Sanji can cook up some more?’

There are no words.

While the crew of the Going Merry relaxed in the cabin, the storm took on more water and soon was becoming a maelstrom of destruction. It was if the heavens themselves wanted to destroy the tiny ship, Luffy must have pissed off one to many of the deities that ran the world.
Well, there ya go! Ener is causing the storm.

The scene in the kitchen is pretty standard. Sanji cooks. Luffy whines about needing more meat. Sanji bitches at him about it. Luffy steals Ussop's food. Nami takes this opportunity to give Luffy her portion, whereupon he gives her a special portion of his five-alarm chili, sparking a brief exchange culminating in this: “Ahh…no need for formality Nami-chan. Call me Sanji-kun, I mean if you are going to be having my children it is only right.”

Three questions;
(1) Why is Sanji suffixing Nami's name with "chan" ? He's never called her anything except "san", even more notable of his respect for her when you consider he even uses "chan" with the far older Robin.
(2) Why isn't Nami already calling him Sanji-kun? Doesn't she always?
(3) Is Sanji channeling Miroku in this scene?

Nami then slaps Sanji and storms out to her room to cry. Luffy goes to check on her, and decides to tickle her to make her feel better. Yes, you read that right.

Not quite on the same page as Nami, Luffy tried a different tactic, he started to worm his way over to where Nami was currently lying down. When he had reached a good distance, Luffy sprung into action, “Hahahahahahahah….stop Luffy….hahahahahhaha….I mean it.”

Nami reciprocates the tickling, and the author manages to seamlessly move from playful frolicking on the floor to a rousing game of tonsil hockey between the two, during which Nami takes the time to marvel about how ZOMG buff Luffy is, and Luffy takes the time to mentally remark that Nami tastes "like meat."

‘Mmmmmm….Nami tastes good….kind of like meat….mmmmm….meat….”
(man meat?)

OH PLEASE GOD, tell me I'm not the only one who conjured up wrong thoughts from that.

They then part, somewhat awkwardly, and thus ends the first chapter. Chapter two starts the next morning, when Luffy, angsting over screwing up the wonderful platonic thing he's got going with Nami by becoming fuckbuddies taking the 'relationship' to the next level, seeks out the counsel of the wise and all knowing Vivi. (The story notes that Luffy only met Vivi about three days ago, so chronologically they've apparently just left Whisky Peak. )

I'll summarize their conversation for you. (Certain liberties have been taken, but I think I caught the essence of the scene.)

Luffy: If you liked a girl, how would you tell her that you liked her?
Vivi: OHMAHGAWD! He's going to confess his love to me! Gosh, I don't want to blow it. Stay calm, Vivi! That pheromone perfume you bought from the salesman must have worked! This is your chance! No! I'm hyperventilating now, I hope he doesn't notice! CLEANSING BREATHS!!!! I'm always here to help with problems, Luffy ^_^ Why don't you practice what you want to say with me first?
Luffy: This offer seems helpful, yet somehow strange... OK! Here goes... "I love you Vivi, Love you as the Sky loves it's sun, my love colored with spectral aura made by the helical orb as it sinks below the pensive waters! Oh, Vivi, you are my life, as the stars in the sky are the anchor of the drifting sailor, and I want nothing more than to while away eternity in your arms, and your arms alone. Pray, you'll look at no one else but me, dearest cereulean -tressed angel of the pure white sands!" How was that?
Vivi:OHMIGAWSH! That was so beautiful, so heart warming... He really really loves me! My night in shining armor... I wonder if he can stretch *everything*? OH, LUFFY! TAKE ME NOW!! *tacklesnog*

That's about the gist of it, but not nearly as WTF-inducing as what follows.

the captain was a bit startled and that is why he didn’t have the good sense to run away. Vivi was embracing the captain like a long lost lover, effectively stunning the captain and making him an unwilling partner in a kiss that lasted for a good long time. ‘I have so much love for this man, but he seems to be preoccupied, maybe he needs a kick start?’ Massaging his face, Vivi tried to garner a response from her loved one, Luffy soon stopped his struggles and participated with a passion in the activities that tied the world together. ‘I knew a little suggestion would do it, wow….I didn’t know you could do that….mmmmmm….he knows the right spot….ahhh….’

Soon the two were on the cabin floor, wrestling for position and trying their best to make the other feel how wonderful they were feeling. Although a tiny part of Luffy’s brain was getting a little anxious, but the more important part of his mind was trying to comprehend how Vivi was doing the things that at last count he could only do.

"how Vivi was doing the things that at last count he could only do" What does this mean? Vivi is stretchy now? Vivi has a dick now? I probably don't want to know. And Dude, Luffy doesn't even get to be the Seme when he's paired with a woman. It's a cold, cold, fandom out there.

Vivi, afraid of being discovered, moves the romp into the pantry, where they are assaulted by jars of spices. (It should at this point be noted that Vivi, apparently tastes like berries, and not like meat) Whereupon Vivi runs off rather abruptly, but not before telling Luffy to come back because she "Cannot live without him" Riiiight.

The storm has picked up, and once the ship is out of danger for the moment, Luffy directs a rhetorical "What was that all about" to the atmosphere. Bad idea. The booming voice of Narritivus Terribilius comes down out of the sky as the author lays down one of the worst (and most pointless) paragraphs of the fic.

Well when you ask questions sometimes you get answers that you don’t always like, for example when a person asks how they look, many people are jerks and will tell them that they look repulsive. Although in this case it is not a matter of looks, just a little too much company on the Going Merry. “Hello there lover boy, how are you doing?”

Double-Yooo-Tee-Eff. Oh, and three guesses as to who said that last line. (The first two don't count).

YES! The Frictionless Beauty is back, and this time she's not leaving until she gets a piece of Luffy's ass.

In case you're wondering where everyone else got to, Usopp gets his second mention in the fic by getting himself knocked out in the attack. Zoro is apparently asleep, but is only mentioned once in this chapter. Sanji is also sleeping, apparently undisturbed by the ruckus.

Alvida kisses Luffy, Luffy reacts like a preteen girl. Alvida tells her crew to have their way with captured Nami and

Alvida's lines have been ganked straight out of a really bad femdom flick, it seems.
“That isn’t true Luffy, I can still do many things to you. And I just can’t wait for it, you can either take it like a man….oooohhh that sounds good. Or you can whine like a little girl, either way you are going to take it up the ass.”

This line infuriates Nami and Vivi, because Luffy is of course, their bitch.

Feeling that the woman needed a face lift, Nami and Vivi both delivered a well-timed uppercut. “Hohohoho…that was amusing, any more?”

Looking at their hands, both Nami and Vivi seemed to be burned, “Didn’t I tell you that no one can touch me? And those burns are proof that, your fists just slid off and at such speeds no wonder it burned.”

Um, Hello... This is reality and the forces of physics calling. I'd like to inform you that friction burns cannot be incurred in the absence of, um... friction.

The chapter wraps up with this delightfully charming exchange:

Alvida: I've got you right where I want you, Luffy; Now bend over!
Vivi: Stay away from my man, you harlot!
Nami: What do you mean *your* man?!
Vivi: uh... slip of the tongue?
Nami: You backstabbing ho! Didn't the night we shared mean anything to you?!
Luffy: Eeek! Guys, Help me!
Alvida: *finishes tying up Luffy* Ya'll want a piece of this when I'm done?
Nami/Vivi: That's our bitch, you whore!
Alvida: Why don't we just share like civilized folk?
Nami/Vivi: YAYZ! Foursome! ^_^
Luffy: No! not the club, it's far too La---aarrghh!!!!!

And so ends the second chapter. I have not the bravery to prolong my stay in the vortex of undescribable pain and speshulness which is this fic. (probably a good thing, because the summary indicated that even Nojiko was going to get in on the action)

Until next time, fellow OP fans ^_^
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