Sabo-chan! (cactuar_tamer) wrote in cipher_poll_10,

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Nami's Got herself knocked up again. Oy.

Hullo hullo hullo... ^_^ Sorry for such a long absence... It's been longer than forever, as we here at Enias Lobby have been very busy, but CP10 Intel has recently returned with a dangerous criminal in tow.

Look out everyone, I see a SueNami on the horizon.

Crime:Dreamless (More like Senseless)
Perpetrator: Omnichild
Summary:Things between Zoro and Nami go too far. Now they must pay the consequences
Warnings: This fic has many things I just love to hate in fanfic. Character bashing, Pregnancy, and thinly veiled socio-political propaganda about pregnancy.

Author's note kicks off the fic with the obligatory "Vewy fiwst ficcy! Pwyz be gentle," and mock self-abasement which so often lead to a literary disaster.
I only own my uncreative genius that has stuck these poor character into a blended and made the following mess of a story
A mess indeed.

The story opens with Nami waking up next to Zoro, nude, with a hangover and no memory of the previous night.

**I haven't even begun and I'll have to take an aside to deal with this. Nami does not get drunk. It just doesn't happen. The girl is impervious to alcohol. She could do a keg stand and be good to drive. and don't even get me started on Zoro's alcohol tolerance**

So obviously, roofies were involved in some way, but Nami is too shocked and horrified to realize this at the moment, and dresses and leaves her room with Zoro still out like a light on her bed. Nami stands at the rail and broods for a while, before the author entertains us with a flashback sequence (we know it's a flashback because of the handy flashback tags) which will hopefully explain how the hell this travesty happened.

In the flashback, Nami and Zoro pulled short straws and had to watch the ship when they reached port. Nami is upset that she can't go shopping and what's more, has to be stuck on a ship with Mr. Personality, that she spends her time pacing back and forth and sighing. It seems Zoro's lost his preternatural ability to sleep through most things with noise levels equal to or less than that of D-Day, and Nami's wangsting is really beginning to cramp his style. The following argument ensues.

“Bitch” He screamed at her. “Keep it down”

“But I am bored!” Nami protested, sighing once more.

“Then go draw your stupid maps or something!

“They aren't stupid and I am not in the mood for map drawing!”

“Well you don't have to be so damn noisy.”

“You don't have to be so damn ogre-ish!”

"Oh yeah? well, you're just a big poo-poo head!"

*facepalm* So, whomever has possessed Nami's body then demands that Zoro play cards with her. Of course, no card game is complete without drinking. And drinking plus cards automatically means strip poker will ensue. And strip poker usually leads to naked, and naked always leads to sex. At least that's how things happen in bizzarro world.

A month after the incident, Nami's stomach isn't feeling well. *Omgzz wndre what's gonnna happin!11!lol*

That's right, kids. Nami is preggers.

------Chapter 2-----

A/N:... SO here is the newest chapter. Read and enjoy. Though I did write this when I was half awake and half distracted by my boyfriend. So it has a lot of mistakes and sucks...

OOC!Nami spends the first paragraph of this chapter oscillating between angsting about what an idiot she's been to get herself knocked up, and how horrible it is and "God, why is this happening?!", to thinking about the "tiny being growing in her womb"

... First of all, Nami isn't dumb enough to get herself into a situation like this. I'm not dumb enough to get myself into a situation like this, and Nami's got about 300 IQ points on me. Secondly, the whole fic smacks unpleasantly of promoting a moral agenda (and doing it badly, besides)... Nami in this fic is a representation of the "idiot girls who got themselves pregnant because they were stupid sluts" (Nami is clearly revealed in the flashbacks as the instigator of the sex) you so often hear of if you spend any time in an Abortion debate. The story has Nami reeling from despair to wistful anticipation of motherhood, viewing the pregnancy as a calamity at the same time she makes peace with it, and viewing the fetus as a precious child at the same time she's having crying fits over the "consequences of her actions" (Remember, children. Babies are punishments from God for having sex.)

I'll leave off here, because I could go on forever, but I don't really think fanfic is the best place for soapboxing like this, and at any rate, even though I don't agree with the ideas she is promoting, I'd be willing to put up with her agenda if it had been more skillfully woven into the story.

Besides wangsting about the pregnancy, this chapter is made up of several more flashbacks about that night, of a decidedly lemon-lime sort of nature. We get some very interesting tidbits.

Their bodies intertwined as one. They moved together in perfect rhythm. Sweat glistened, moans of ecstasy screamed. The world fell away, leaving just the two of them. Here and now, it was just them, embraced in passion. A fire, burning wildly out of control, panting they broke apart. Their bodies shivering from exertion, they didn’t say a word.
Even the moans of ecstasy are screaming in agony from this fic, apparently.

In between the flashbacks of wild abandon, Nami contemplates breaking the news to Zoro.
"Hey you brute, your sperm work." Or perhaps "You have to do everything right the first time, don't you?" she was being too bitter about this. It was just as much her fault as his. Perhaps even more.
Of *course* you're more to blame than he is, Didn't you know that the man's role in conception is so negligible it can easily be overlooked unless he actually wants the child?

------- Chapter 3 ---------

The third chapter is the shortest yet, consisting of only a few paragraphs, though none of the chapters have thankfully had much going for them in terms of length. It opens with OOC!Nami attempting to confront Zoro.

“Zoro…” She spoke barely audible. Her eyes were downcast and she shifted nervously from foot to foot. What had happened to the brave girl, he knew? He raised an eyebrow at her. “We need to talk…about….about the night…….” Her voice trailed off, a lump forming in her throat. Zoro groaned. Why the hell does she want to talk about that? And why now?

“Nami…” Zoro started, but was cut off by a quivering navigator.

“We sometimes have to pay for our action!” She screamed at him, hands clenched tightly at her side. Tears streaming down her side. He winced, she had been too loud. The crew looked questioningly towards them.

Now, Nami isn't really the type to mince words, or to have a hard time finding them when she needs them. Then again, PodPerson!Nami doesn't exactly have a lot going for them in the common sense department, so why would they retain any of Nami's articulacy and directness? Next, I know tears are excellent wangst indicators, but IC!Nami doesn't cry so liberally. The going has to get tough for her to cry. Stab-your-own-arm-repeatedly-because-you've-been-betrayed-and-your-sister-and-friends-have-run-off-to-thier-dooms kind of tough. This situation just doesn’t cut it.

Their exchange rouses the attention of Sanji, and Character Bashing promptly ensues. 2D!Sanji rushes to the aid of his princess in a predictably dorky and pathetic manner, before being clocked unconscious by Nami in a predictably cliché and pathetic manner.

Author chimes in later, sorry to any Sanji fans reading this. I don't hate Sanji, but I do find him somewhat pathetic. Sorry!
Sorry just doesn't cut it. Good writing in whatever genre usually calls for at least a dash of objectivity. Your personal dislike for a character does not in my opinion excuse using fanfic as a personal forum to bash them. Every time Sanji becomes a two dimensional lovesick fool, Chouji becomes a two dimensional compulsive eater, Winry becomes a jealous bitch, or Kohza rapes Vivi for some on-crack reason, God kills a Mangaka. Think of the Anime Industry!

Then again, the author doesn't really have much regard for canon at all it seems, as revealed in a telling A/N:
And as too making Nami a little ooc. I tried not to,though I don't really care if the characters go ooc. It is all the fun of writing a fanfic. I think of it as putting the characters in a blender and mixing them to my own way. Besides, we don't really know how she would act in a situation like this.

The analogy of putting the characters in a blender is eerily reminiscent of what actually happened, but I suppose the author needed some rationalization while she was rinsing the stains from Nami's puréed soul out of her smock. Additionally, this Nami sticks out to me as a canon Sue for many reasons, including the fact that the author herself mentions having been pregnant.

---We've now come to the fourth chapter, only one more to go after this!

Most of the fourth chapter is taken up by a scene which seems to exist only to fulfill the quotas for wangst and consumption of odd foods required of PregFic.

Nami sits about, reflecting on how much she hates Zoro, Hated him with a passion, which burned like an icy cold fire coursing through her veins., and wishing she had chocolate covered anchovies in raspberry sauce or something. The quest for anchovy soufflé offers ample opportunity for the bashing of Sanji, as Nami reflects on how pathetic he is, and cliché antics ensue.

While she had no doubts Sanji-kun would make her this dish. Especially since he would make her whatever she desired. She didn’t know where she would even begin to explain why she was requesting such a strange dish. For despite being head over heels in love with her. He would question her, maybe say something the doctor. Who would want to do some examination, which would reveal her delicate situation. And of course Sanji, never having left her side, would be shattered. Then she would need to explain everything that had happened not only to the doctor, but to the rest of the crew as Sanji no doubt would have murdered Zoro and then her child would be fatherless. And Sanji, would swoop in and beg her to marry him, delude himself into thinking he was the real father

The next day, after Nami stays behind to watch the ship at port, Robin (who seems to be at least a shade of her IC!self), puts two and two together while watching Nami staring at playing children. Chopper is soon in on the secret. By the morning of the next day, Nami has run off somewhere, perhaps to wherever she is keeping IC!Nami imprisoned.

-----Chapter Five! Last one... --------

In the A/N at the beginning of this chapter, the author reveals that Nami and Zoro were not really drunk, as she originally stated, but only "drunk" . She says this in spite of excessive description in the first chapter concerning the vast number of empty alcohol bottles, hangovers and hazy memories. The about-face will now presumably allow both characters to be even more angsty about their tryst.

Now that Nami has departed, the crewmembers meet to discuss the crisis, and pass around her farewell note which consists of a touchingly succinct, "Don't look for me." This is of course, another prime opportunity to butcher Sanji's character.

Then the unthinkable happens (for the zillionth time in this fic).
“No.” The captain simply pushed his hat farther down his head, casting a shadow over his eyes and walked off. His own tears sparkling on his cheeks, Sanji sank slowly to his knees. Cigarette falling from his lips, burning at his feet.

Why? Why wouldn’t Luffy let them go after her? He had chased her to Arlong Park. Had rescued the tangerine lover from the merman against her wished. So why will he now not give the command to chase her? To bring back their precious navigator.

Sanji’s hand curled into fists, finger nails biting into his flesh, as he pressed them against his thighs. Tears splashed on the floor. Why?

Well, PodPerson!Sanji, I kinda want to know too.

The chapter then skips around to the reactions of the other crew members. Zoro stares out to sea angsting, and adds elucidations to the Night of Infamy with a couple more flashbacks. She fit so perfectly in his arms. And as they drifted off to sleep, he vowed to kiss away all the scars on her heart. She vowed to be his rock, the one he could always depend on.

Usopp, who is thankfully not portrayed unfavorably, makes his first appearance in the fic as he tries to figure out why Nami left, concluding that Nami wouldn’t have ran away because she felt inferior to any of them. No! She left for some other reason. He was sure of it., even though I'm at a loss to figure out where anyone ever even suggested she ran away because of feelings of inadequacy.

Chopper worries to Robin (whom is referred to as "the assassin") that Nami ran away because she doubted his child-delivery/pre-natal care skills.

Meanwhile, apparently Pod people are universally idiotic, as demonstrated by what happens now.

FuckingMoreInsaneThanUsual!Luffy goes into Nami's room (which is empty of maps, as she has taken them with her), grabs the Log Pose, and chucks it into the ocean. The log pose. Into the ocean. Log pose. Right into the ocean. So... they are now sailing the Grand Line, mapless, without a log pose, and conspicuously lacking in anyone who would be able to tell a cold front from a hole in the ground, or know what to do if they ran into a hurricane at sea. This doesn't really bode all that well.

The last scene rounds out with Nami sailing off on a passenger cruise, angsting.

Final A/N: So why doesn't Luffy want to go after Nami? Because that would ruin my plans for the next chapter or so. Sorry but Luffy is going to go on sailing for One Piece. Don't worry, don't worry. Nami will rejoin them whether she wants to or not. Baby will be born soon. Help me decide on name! And there just might be a special guest appearance. mwuhahahaha!

I'm trying to have confidence that the Pod People will be dead from their own stupidity before the author has a chance to write another chapter about thier wacky exploits.

Um... yeah. And Remember to practice Safe Sex, Kids!
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